The Agony of Child Birth Before Marriage

It felt like my world had come to a standstill when the two red lines appeared on the pregnancy kit. A voice echoed, “You’re not getting rid of it.” My heart raced. Did he really just say that? Was he thinking about me—my reputation, my standing in society? Questions swirled in my mind: What would my mother say? How would my friends see me? What would society think of me?

Maybe if he hadn’t been a gentleman willing to take responsibility, I would have considered another option—abortion. But I was 29 years old, a University graduate, just wrapping up a major contract with one of the biggest organizations in the world, yet societal pressure still weighed heavily on me. I found myself worrying about everyone but myself. It’s funny how our own parents had children at a younger age – My mother had her first child at 21—but she was married…Hmmm… Anyway…

I was disappointed in myself, not just because I was pregnant, but because of what people would think. I had to tell my parents. I broke the news to my mom in a light-hearted way at first. She was furious but didn’t say much. Weeks later, when she realized it wasn’t a joke, her disappointment became clear. Being uber-religious, she forced us into marriage to avoid shame and judgment from family and society. As her only daughter, I could feel her pain.

Though she knew of my relationship, the way she treated my boyfriend and me was far beyond what we expected. Was kinda cruel and mean especially with the things she said… it’s pierced my heart…. She verbally and mentally abused both of us with or without her knowing….. Everything felt like it was falling apart, and life became harder with each passing day. Despite financial struggles and poor planning, we remained firm in our decision—abortion wasn’t an option. I didn’t care if we had to survive on the simplest meals, like gari and water. The journey was tough, but I was thankful to have the love of my life by my side. When complications arose, he made the difficult decision to quit his job and care for me. Genuine friends and family sometimes, stepped in when we needed them the most.

My boyfriend is a hardworking man with big dreams of becoming a pharmacist. He doesn’t gamble, drink, or womanize. He loves and cherishes me, always supporting me to become the best version of myself. This is the man I wanted, but to my family, I had committed the worst offense.

In our community, getting pregnant before marriage is seen as a taboo—undeniable evidence of pre-marital sex. But I stood my ground, carrying my pregnancy to term, and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The very people who had judged and condemned me now celebrate my child’s intelligence and charm. Yesterday, I was the family disgrace; today, I’m the proud mother of a smart and curious two-year-old. Who knows? My daughter might just grow up to be the brightest star in our family.

To any young woman facing a similar situation, I say this: stand strong. This is not a call to have carefree sex and risk pregnancy outside marriage, but if it happens, remember that you have the strength to carry on. Be your parents’ pride, even when things don’t go as planned.

My pregnancy journey wasn’t easy. I had moments of crying, of feeling depressed. Morning sickness and severe abdominal pain were constant companions. But my partner stood by me, guiding me through the darkest moments.

Many women today—whether in their teens or even in their 30s or 40s—would choose to end a pregnancy simply because they aren’t married. But here’s something important to consider: marriage is a sacred bond, not a solution to pregnancy. If you’re thinking about getting married just because you’re expecting a child, don’t expect that to automatically improve things. I’ve seen people try, and it often leads to heartache. You can still be a great parent without being married.

Above all, I love my daughter beyond words. The joy she brings is indescribable. I don’t regret having her. Maybe I could have been more cautious, but I wouldn’t change my choice. It’s time we stop judging one another. Just because someone hasn’t gotten pregnant doesn’t make them better than someone who has.

Dear younger me, there will come a time when life throws you an unexpected curveball, and it will feel like the ground beneath you has shifted. You’ll question everything: your decisions, your worth, and how people perceive you. But before you get lost in those thoughts, take a deep breath. Remember this: you are enough.

It’s okay to feel scared—it’s natural. But what you need to realize is that their voices do not define your future.

You may feel the weight of disappointment, the pressure to conform, to make choices that aren’t your own. But let me remind you of your inner strength. You are capable of turning any challenge into an opportunity. So, when society’s expectations become too heavy, don’t let them crush your spirit. Stand tall, and trust that you know what’s best for you and your child.

In moments of doubt, focus on you. It’s easy to worry about everyone else, but you deserve to be your priority. Take control of your narrative, even when it feels like others are trying to write it for you

You have the love and support of people who truly matter, and even though the road ahead is hard, it’s one you’ll walk with courage. You will make it through. You will rise above the shame others try to place on you. And soon enough, you’ll realize that the joy of holding your baby is far greater than the fear of what people think.

So here’s my advice: Live your truth. Don’t make decisions out of fear, and never let the judgment of others steal your happiness. Your journey might be tough, but you’ll emerge stronger and wiser.

And above all, you’ll learn that the only approval you need is your own.

With Love,

Rammie.