Be a Different African Parents… Breaking the Cycle: A Call to African Parents for Change

Dear beautiful parents, gifted to us by God, we need you to be different. We know you are carrying trauma passed down through generations, and often you aren’t even aware of how deeply it affects you. But we also know that you love us—the sleepless nights, endless prayers, the sweat, and the pain you endure for our sake. We see it all: the days you go without food to pay our school fees, the days you force yourself out of bed when your body can barely support you. Your love and sacrifices do not go unnoticed, and we appreciate you more than words can express.

But now, we ask you to take a different approach. We understand that as children, you didn’t have the power to make choices, and much of what you learned about raising children came from what you saw around you. You were conditioned to believe that was the best way. But times have changed, and while we still need your guidance, we also need the space to have a say in our own lives. It’s not about rejecting your wisdom—it’s about evolving it.

Too often, parenting in Ghana swings between two extremes: either there’s no room for the child’s voice, or there’s too much freedom without direction. Both of these approaches leave lasting scars. 

My mother grew up with a strict father. She was rarely allowed out and wasn’t permitted to talk to boys or even make friends. When it was her turn to parent, she followed the same rules. I wasn’t allowed to interact with boys either. Once, I got punished simply because a boy asked me for directions. “Why did he ask you?” she demanded. “Why not someone else?” It felt like my own mother didn’t trust me. Then there were the countless times she monitored my phone calls—asking who called, demanding I put the call on speaker, and even insisting I speak our native language so she could understand the conversation. It was suffocating.

A friend of mine had it even worse. Her mother, who grew up in a broken home with a drunk and abusive father, thought discipline meant tying her daughter up and beating her with a belt. We later realized this was the only way she knew how to discipline because it was what she had experienced. Trauma, passed down.

On the other hand, some parents, having grown up with so little, give their children everything they never had, thinking it will protect them from the struggles they went through. These parents provide endless resources and material goods but leave their children without the supervision or guidance needed to make informed decisions. This unintentional freedom can be overwhelming for children who aren’t equipped to handle it, leading to poor choices or a sense of entitlement. They may grow up not understanding boundaries or the value of hard work because they’ve always had things handed to them. 

Then there’s the issue of career choices. Many parents, especially those who didn’t have the privilege of formal education, often have a vision for their children’s future before they’ve even spoken their first words. Some push their children into fields like engineering or medicine, based on what’s considered prestigious or what was highly regarded in their local community. Growing up in Akosombo, many parents insisted their children pursue electrical engineering, as it was widely regarded as the path to success.

But are these really the children’s choices or the parents’? Based on their strengths and interests, are these children truly suited to those goals? Do we ever pause to ask if they even want those careers, or if we’re pushing them towards something that fulfills our dreams, not theirs?

Even if you weren’t formally educated, it’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to navigate these choices alone. Speak to that educated neighbor across the street, ask someone in the church for advice, or seek support from others. Parenting is a collaborative effort, and it’s essential that we work together to build a future that honors your child’s strengths and aspirations.

For parents still holding onto outdated ideas—like believing girls belong in the kitchen while boys are meant to achieve great things—it’s time to reconsider. Many young girls today are still suffering under the weight of these traditional gender roles. They are emotionally and mentally exhausted from being boxed into roles they don’t fit. Meanwhile, boys are pushed into roles they aren’t necessarily passionate about, because society says that’s what they’re supposed to do. Every child, regardless of gender, should be given the freedom to explore their interests, whether that’s carpentry, engineering, cooking, or teaching.

To the highly educated parents, we know you’ve achieved much, and we respect that. But that doesn’t mean we want to be replicas of your achievements. Lead us to make informed decisions. Share the pros and cons of the paths available to us, hold our hands through the process, and then let us choose for ourselves. Your knowledge is invaluable, but your children need room to grow into themselves.

And to the parents and  older adult who are already open-minded and encouraging, we ask you to speak up—not just for your children, but for those around you who may need guidance. There are so many children and parents who could benefit from your experience. By working together and sharing knowledge, we can break the cycle of outdated parenting practices and create a future where our children can thrive, grow, and become their best selves.

Let your words and actions lead someone off the wrong path and make a lasting, positive impact. Together, we can make the world a better place for future generations.

With love,

Rammie.