The Cost of Kindness: Escaping the Trap of People-Pleasing

Finding My Voice: Overcoming People-Pleasing to Prioritize Self-Respect

Amidst the expectations of familial bliss, my reality was far from it. Growing up as the lone lady among three brothers, one would assume a life of pampering and royal treatment. Indeed, my material needs were met, and to outsiders, it seemed I had everything. However, the reality was far from glamorous. Despite the facade of abundance, a sense of emptiness gnawed at me—a longing for a familial connection that transcended mere appearances. Was it wrong to have yearned for a different family? After years of feeling sidelined, compelled to compromise on my dreams and ambitions, and tirelessly catering to the needs of others who wouldn’t spare a thought for my own, the question lingered in my mind, casting a shadow over the facade of contentment.

Upon completing university, my desire to pursue further education clashed with my parents’ insistence that I contribute to the family business for a year before pursuing my dreams. What was meant to be a temporary detour stretched into years? Each time I broached the topic of my aspirations, I was met with excuses about familial obligations, particularly my elder brother’s mounting debts. These financial burdens, not stemming from business crises but rather his lavish lifestyle and irresponsibility, strained the family’s resources. Despite my dedicated work ethic from dawn till dusk, my grievances were trivialized, brushed aside in fleeting conversations. They often would say “Hold on a little… your elder brother has accumulated some debt we need to clear… you know it doesn’t look good on the family…… our reputation would be ruined…. Would you be happy to see your brother arrested?)”

The weight of unmet expectations and unspoken frustrations burdened my nights with tears and mornings with resentment. Despite my persistent hopes for acknowledgment and understanding, my pleas seemed unheard amidst the clamor of familial responsibilities. Even the heartfelt conversations with my father regarding my future aspirations failed to pierce the veneer of familial obligations. The toll on my well-being was immense. Physically, I felt the weight of responsibility bearing down on me, leading to sleepless nights and health issues. Emotionally, I grappled with a mix of resentment, grief, and anger, exacerbated by witnessing the preferential treatment given to my brother.

After enduring for years, I sought solace in counseling, where I discovered I have -“people pleasing.” What began as a desire to be understanding and dutiful morphed into a pattern of self-neglect and seeking validation from others. It took courage to assert my boundaries and declare my intention to leave the family business, regardless of their response.

The countdown to my departure felt like a liberation. While I’m still on the journey to reclaiming my autonomy, I’ve made progress. Like many others, I’ve grappled with the delicate balance between kindness and people-pleasing. True kindness, rooted in empathy, enriches both giver and receiver without sacrificing one’s well-being. It requires self-awareness, assertiveness, and a commitment to nurturing authentic relationships built on mutual respect.

In breaking free from the shackles of people pleasing, I’ve reclaimed my agency and found a newfound sense of empowerment. It’s a journey worth undertaking—one that leads to greater self-discovery and genuine connections.

Like me, many people continue to struggle with people pleasing, finding it difficult to navigate. Navigating the realms of kindness and people-pleasing is akin to traversing a fine line between genuine empathy and the tendency to sacrifice one’s own needs for the sake of others’ approval. Kindness rooted in compassion and understanding, fosters connections and uplifts spirits, enriching both giver and receiver. However, when kindness morphs into people-pleasing, it risks veering into a pattern of self-neglect and a cycle of seeking validation from external sources. Striking a balance between the two entails honoring one’s own boundaries while still extending empathy and support to others, fostering authentic relationships built on mutual respect and understanding. It’s a journey of self-awareness and assertiveness, where kindness thrives not at the expense of one’s well-being, but in harmony with it.

Are you wondering if you have the habit of people pleasing here are some indicators of people Pleasing:

Difficulty Saying “No”: People pleasers struggle to decline requests or set boundaries, often prioritizing others’ needs over their own.

Fear of Disapproval: The fear of criticism or rejection drives people pleasers to seek approval, leading to avoidance of conflict at any cost.

Overcommitment: People pleasers habitually take on excessive responsibilities, neglecting their own needs in a bid to meet others’ expectations.

Weak Boundaries: They find it challenging to assert themselves or protect their time and resources, resulting in blurred personal boundaries.

External Validation: Seeking validation externally, they rely on others’ opinions to validate their self-worth, rather than relying on internal values.

Suppressed Feelings: People pleasers often suppress their own emotions to maintain harmony in relationships, sacrificing authenticity for acceptance.

Resentment: Despite their efforts, unresolved resentment brews as their own needs remain unmet amidst constant pleasing.

Drawbacks of People Pleasing:

Burnout: Prioritizing others’ needs leads to exhaustion, both physically and emotionally, culminating in burnout.

Neglect of Self-Care: They forsake self-care activities for the sake of fulfilling others’ demands, resulting in increased stress and decreased resilience.

Relationship Resentment: Suppressed needs foster resentment and dissatisfaction in relationships, hindering genuine connection and intimacy.

Lack of Authenticity: Constant pleasing erodes authenticity as they suppress their true selves to fit in or avoid conflict.

Boundary Issues: Struggles in setting healthy boundaries make them susceptible to exploitation and manipulation.

Diminished Self-Esteem: Relying on external validation corrodes self-esteem, fostering feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

Missed Growth Opportunities: Fear of disapproval impedes personal growth, deterring them from pursuing goals and interests for fear of rejection.

While people-pleasing behavior is generally associated with negative consequences, there can be certain perceived advantages to it in certain situations:

Harmony in Relationships: People-pleasers often strive to maintain harmony and avoid conflicts in their relationships. This can sometimes lead to smoother interactions and less confrontation, at least in the short term.

Perceived Likability: People-pleasers may be viewed as agreeable and accommodating by others, which can enhance their social standing and make them appear more likable in certain contexts.

Avoidance of Rejection: By prioritizing others’ needs and desires, people-pleasers may feel a sense of security in their relationships, as they believe that fulfilling others’ expectations will prevent rejection or abandonment.

Role in Group Dynamics: In group settings, people-pleasers may take on the role of the mediator or peacemaker, helping to smooth over conflicts and maintain group cohesion.

Recognition and Approval: People-pleasers may receive praise or recognition for their helpfulness and willingness to assist others, which can boost their self-esteem and sense of worthiness, albeit temporarily.

Opportunities for Connection: By catering to others’ needs and preferences, people-pleasers may foster deeper connections and friendships, as they are perceived as empathetic and caring individuals.

However, it’s essential to recognize that these perceived advantages often come with significant drawbacks and may not lead to genuine fulfillment or authentic relationships in the long run. Over time, the negative consequences of people-pleasing behavior, such as resentment, burnout, and a lack of authenticity, typically outweigh any short-term benefits. Therefore, it’s crucial for individuals to strike a balance between meeting the needs of others and prioritizing their own well-being and authenticity.

When faced with a request or demand from someone, asking yourself certain questions can help prevent falling into the pattern of people-pleasing. Here are some questions you can consider:

What are my own needs and priorities in this situation?

Take a moment to consider your own needs, values, and boundaries before agreeing to fulfill someone else’s request.

Am I able to accommodate this request without sacrificing my own well-being?

Assess whether saying yes to the request will cause you undue stress, exhaustion, or neglect of your own self-care.

Does this request align with my values and goals?

Evaluate whether fulfilling the request is in alignment with your personal values, long-term goals, and aspirations.

Am I saying yes out of genuine willingness or out of fear of rejection or disapproval?

Reflect on whether your decision to agree to the request is driven by a genuine desire to help or by a fear of disappointing others.

What are the potential consequences of saying yes to this request?

Consider the short-term and long-term consequences of agreeing to the request, including the impact on your time, energy, and relationships.

Have I set clear boundaries and communicated them effectively?

Ensure that you have established clear boundaries and communicated them assertively if necessary, so that others understand your limitations and expectations.

Is there a compromise or alternative solution that can meet both my needs and the other person’s needs?

Explore whether there is a middle ground or alternative solution that can satisfy both parties’ needs without sacrificing your own well-being.

Am I comfortable saying no or negotiating the terms of the request?

Evaluate your comfort level with asserting yourself and setting limits, and consider whether you are willing to say no or negotiate the terms of the request if necessary.

By asking yourself these questions, you can gain clarity on your own boundaries, values, and priorities, allowing you to make more empowered decisions and avoid falling into the trap of people-pleasing.

There are small daily habits that we all can incorporate in our day: 

Journaling: Journaling can be an effective tool for increasing self-awareness and identifying patterns of people-pleasing behavior. Keeping a journal where you reflect on your daily interactions, decisions, and emotions can help you recognize instances where you may have sacrificed or compromised your own needs in order to please others. You can make note of specific situations, how you felt during those moments, and any insights or realizations you have about your behaviour.

Setting Intentions: Start each day by setting intentions for how you want to prioritize your own needs and boundaries while still being considerate of others.

Practicing Assertiveness: Make a habit of practicing assertive communication, where you clearly and respectfully express your own needs, preferences, and boundaries in interactions with others.

Mindfulness Meditation: Incorporate mindfulness meditation into your daily routine to cultivate greater self-awareness and presence, which can help you notice and pause before automatically saying yes to others’ requests.

Practice Saying No: Challenge yourself to say no to at least one request each day, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Over time, you’ll become more comfortable asserting your boundaries.

By incorporating these daily habits into your routine, you can gradually become more assertive, self-aware, and empowered to prioritize your own needs and boundaries while still maintaining healthy relationships with others. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer guidance, encouragement, and accountability as you work to overcome people-pleasing tendencies.

Most importantly, let us learn not to hastily provide answers or assistance when others seek our help. In a world where speed often dominates, the virtue of patience in offering a helping hand can be overshadowed. However, taking the time to consider our responses can result in more thoughtful and effective support for those in need. Even amidst urgency, envision a confident woman, exuding regal poise as she leisurely savors her morning tea, and let’s make it a habit to pause and reflect before committing ourselves.

Remember: Pause, Reflect, Assist.

My favorite mantra: I choose myself first—authenticity over approval. What’s yours?

With love,

Rammie.