Betrayal Story: Looking for advice or insights.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 15. He has cheated on me for much of those years. From the outside, we are a perfect family. We both work in education, are middle class, and just an all around “normal” family. My husband is the last person anyone would suspect is an adulterer. He comes across as thoughtful, kind, willing to help, great dad, and is not a “macho egocentric” type of guy. I think anyone outside of our marriage would think I won the jackpot. And in some ways I did–I do truly believe he is a good person at his core. But he has this secret, other side.

I found out in 2015 for the first time that he had been having an affair. At this point, we had been married for one year. No kids at that time. I was beyond devastated. This was with his good friend’s wife, and it went on for almost two years (so during our engagement and paused only momentarily right before and after our wedding). I decided to reconcile after going to therapy together for about a year. And things were real, real good for a few years. We added two beautiful children to our family. Things were honestly wonderful.

Then last year, my husband disclosed to me that he was under a sexual harassment investigation at work. The investigation was closed and no action was taken against my husband, but he admitted to having inappropriate relations together (gross things said and he thought she was into it) with this woman. Mind you, my husband and I both worked at the same workplace. The woman who filed sexual harassment spoke with me and disclosed to me that she is aware that there is yet another woman at work that my husband had been having an on-again, off-again affair with. After confronting my husband, he admitted to this.

We both quit our jobs and moved out of town. We both go to therapy once a week individually. Husband is working on childhood trauma and is seemingly remorseful. Many tears, many conversations. My therapist says he is an addict. All of the affairs have had physical components, but they were all mainly emotional. He is addicted to the attention and words of affirmation from these outside women, and he craves to “save” them (one was going through a divorce, another was a lonely stay-at-home wife, another had a husband who ignored her, etc.) 

Another instance of cheating came out in therapy, this one was before we were married but were dating. Husband is adamant he will not do this again, that he has hit rock bottom. He wants more than anything to stay married and keep our family together. But while I am grateful he is doing work on himself. I worry it won’t be enough and that at some point this will happen again. Embarrassing me and worse- embarrassing our growing children.

All in all, my decision revolves around my children. I want a normal, financially secure life for them. I want to give them a core family and I don’t want to split my time with them being shipped back and forth between houses. But I also don’t want to traumatize them with an unhappy mother and/or the prospect of their father screwing up again and humiliating our family.

I’m simply lost. So, so lost. This decision is crushing me.

Please comment your advice. 

Inked with so much love

Rammie