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Choosing Love over Tradition

He said it’s been five months, three days, 30 minutes, and still counting since I formally sought my fiancée’s hand in marriage. After “knocking,” as we call it here, her family still hasn’t responded to mine. I’m in a state of confusion, trying to make sense of the unusual delay. And trust me, you wouldn’t believe the reason—it’s both infuriating and unbelievable.

Apparently, when my family and I went to make our intentions known, I didn’t tip my future brothers-in-law. Really? The sense of entitlement is shocking. But if that was the issue, they could have at least mentioned it. Instead, they chose to label me stingy and concluded that I, being Ewe, must be “typically stingy.” And just like that, our union is now in limbo. The woman I love is caught in the middle, and this situation is affecting my mother, who isn’t exactly a fan of Fantis due to her own past experiences.

My mother had a terrible experience with a Fanti—her elder brother’s wife mistreated him, charmed him with juju, took his properties, and left him. My mother believes that all Fantis are like this. Although I managed to convince her that my fiancée’s family is different, this delay is only reinforcing her prejudice. Now she feels validated, as everything has come to a standstill. Meanwhile, my fiancée is trying to talk some sense into her family, but as of now, there’s no resolution in sight.

It’s ironic. Even before I was old enough to date, my father, with what I thought was light-hearted humor, always said, “You will not marry an Ewe.” As a Fanti and the only girl, he didn’t want me marrying into a family that practiced patrilineal inheritance, where our children would belong to the father’s lineage. Growing up, I bought into his belief and even turned down potential relationships to honor his wishes. I made his story my story, breaking hearts just to please him.

And yet, here I am, in love with an Ewe man—a sweet and amazing one, at that. I no longer care about anyone’s opinion. The irony is hard to ignore: life often brings us face-to-face with the very tribes or families we were taught to avoid. Isn’t it strange how reality forces us to confront these beliefs?

So, my question is: Aren’t we all one people, shaped by different cultures? Why should we let other people’s experiences become our stories? Aren’t we each unique in our own way? Shouldn’t we be able to embrace our differences with love?

It’s interesting because, oftentimes, these beliefs are rooted in perceptions passed down through generations. Our grandparents held certain biases, passed them on to our parents, and despite the progress of civilization and education, our generation is at risk of continuing this mindset. It’s remarkable how many hold strong opinions about other tribes without any personal experience to back them. For some, it’s merely stories they grew up hearing. Others, who’ve had difficult experiences, vow never to associate with certain tribes, determined to shield their bloodlines from what they perceive as inevitable harm.

In situations like this, you’re left with two choices: rebel or comply. Both paths come with consequences. Some parents, after a prolonged resistance, might reluctantly accept the relationship. But that’s rare. I’ve also seen situations where both parents and children remain unyielding, and the child, desperate to force acceptance, chooses to have a baby. Yet even that doesn’t always soften parental opposition. In one case, the girl gave birth, but her family refused to acknowledge the father, even barring him from taking responsibility. As a result, the child was named after the girl’s father instead. Imagine—because of ingrained perceptions, a child grows up separated from one parent, deprived of the warmth of a complete family. We can—and should—do better.

It’s especially disheartening when educated, elite families act this way. Take, for instance, a friend who once had an Ashanti girlfriend he longed to marry. Despite her father’s education and prominent public position, he refused the union solely because my friend was half Ewe. They held onto hope for change that never came, even briefly considering a pregnancy to compel her father’s acceptance. Thankfully, he decided against it, and they eventually parted ways. Today, she’s happily married in the UK, and they remain friends. Still, he sometimes wonders what a powerful couple they could have been.

And I can’t help but think: what if these parents, so rooted in their biases, fell deeply in love with someone from the very tribes they reject? Maybe their experiences would shift. Perhaps that’s what they lack—the experience to challenge their own assumptions.

With or without personal experience, can we learn to be less judgmental and less prejudiced? Can we choose not to make someone else’s experience our own and, instead, allow each individual to start with a clean slate until they prove otherwise? Why generalize one person’s actions—or inactions—as if they represent an entire tribe?

We often act as if everyone from our own tribe is somehow angelic, yet we know that’s far from true. Every group has its flaws, just as it has its strengths. Let’s be open enough to change narratives that no longer serve the current generation. We owe it to ourselves and to future generations to foster a mindset that embraces diversity, respect, and understanding. Let’s work toward a society where people are judged by their character, not by assumptions based on tribe.

Are we really honoring our ancestors by holding onto beliefs that divide us? Is it fair to let the past dictate our present and future, especially when it denies us happiness? At what point do we choose our own stories over inherited fears? If we continue down this path, who benefits, and who loses? Perhaps the real strength lies not in blind loyalty to tradition, but in our ability to embrace growth, understanding, and unity.

Handling the Situation While Choosing to Rebel:

Communicate Openly and Respectfully: Share your intentions and feelings with your family honestly. Explain why this relationship matters to you and how their support would mean a lot. Avoid aggressive or confrontational language; instead, come from a place of respect and empathy. Showing them you understand their perspective but are committed to your decision can foster understanding.

Acknowledge Their Fears and Concerns: Often, family resistance comes from deeply rooted fears. Acknowledge these fears and address them thoughtfully. Be patient, and give them time to come around rather than expecting immediate acceptance.

Highlight Shared Values and Goals: Emphasize the values and goals that align with your family’s beliefs. Show them that your partner and you share principles they respect, which can help bridge the gap.

Seek Support from Family Allies: If you have family members who are more open-minded or supportive, enlist their help. Allies within the family can provide reassurance to others and advocate for your perspective.

Stand Firm Without Alienating: Set boundaries if necessary, but maintain respect. Express that while you love and value your family, this is a decision you’re willing to stand by, even if it means they disagree. Let them know you’re open to continued dialogue and hope for their eventual acceptance.

Prepare for Patience and Persistence: Real change can be slow. Be prepared for resistance and keep the conversation ongoing. Stay patient, and let them see through your actions that your relationship is built on love and respect.

Remember Self-Care: Rebellion, even with the best intentions, can be draining. Lean on friends, partners, or mentors who understand your perspective. Taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally will keep you grounded and better equipped to handle family challenges.

Choosing your own path doesn’t mean severing family ties—it can be an opportunity to reshape them. Over time, they may come to respect your strength and authenticity in standing by your convictions.

 Again, choosing to follow your heart doesn’t mean disregarding the genuine concerns your family might have about the person. Take their input seriously but thoughtfully—consider it as part of the bigger picture rather than an absolute truth. Evaluate their concerns with a clear mind, weighing them alongside your own experiences with your partner. Sometimes family can see red flags that love may make us overlook.

Watch out for red flags, not Just weaknesses: It’s crucial to distinguish between normal human flaws and true red flags. Every person has weaknesses, but red flags are warning signs that could undermine the foundation of a healthy relationship. Don’t let love blind you to qualities that could be harmful in the long term. Trust your instincts and maintain your standards for what you deserve in a partner.

Choosing to rebel doesn’t mean closing off to advice—it’s about making a decision that aligns with your values and well-being. Keep a balanced heart and mind, ensuring that the choice you make is one that will ultimately bring you lasting joy and stability

Have we truly set ourselves on the right path, or are we simply following tracks laid down by those before us? Are we allowing inherited beliefs to steer our futures, or do we dare to choose our own direction? If we never question the road we’re on, will we ever find our way to genuine happiness? In the end, perhaps the real strength lies not in clinging to old narratives but in our courage to rewrite them—with wisdom, openness, and love.

With Love, 

Rammie.

I have been so afraid of loosing those l love until l realised that no one is afraid of loosing me. When you get to know your partner has wrong intentions, please walk away with no remorse. If you get it on the wrong train, be sure to get off at the first stop, the longer you stay, the more expensive the return trip will cost you.

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